Itseinhoni viimeiset tuhkat

The Last Ashes of My Self Loathing

(Below in English)

Minulla on itseinhoisia ajatuksia usein, mutta tiedän jo niitä ajatellessani, että niissä ei ole mitään järkeä. Luulen, että kylpisin syvässä itsetuhossa tietämättä miten toimia sen kanssa, ellen olisi valinnut ottaa vastaan henkisiä työkaluja, jotka kulkevat nimellä Ishayoiden Ascension. Nämä tekniikat tuovat minulle kyvyn nousta itseinhon yläpuolelle ja olla välittämättä synkästä virrasta, vaikka se päässäni pyörisikin. Voin vain tunnistaa sen ja jatkaa elämääni vapaampana. En silti välttämättä suosittele näitä työkaluja kellekkään. Paljon helpompaa olisi ollut jatkaa sokeaa itsensä vähehksymistä 7 vuotta sitten. Olen kuitenkin onnellinen, että vähitellen pystyn polttamaan itsesäälin jäljellä olevat rippeet ja olen vapaampi vastaanottamaan apua toisilta. Tehtäväkseni jää katsella kun itsetuhoisten ajatusten tuhka lentää tuulen mukana ja katoaa.

The biggest problem in this material world is that people don’t accept their lives, bodies or worlds as they are. This does not mean one cannot strive for perfection. If one does not feel comfortable with the body or the world they inhabit they may most certainly do the best they can to heal or enhance it. This must however rise from acceptance. “The world is perfect as it is” that is almost an impossible idea for the mind. At least my mind finds opposing thoughts right away. Enough about that. The Truth is that everything is, everyone are, and all events unfold in it’ is perfection exactly as it is.

Only I can save myself from myself. No technique teaching or a teacher can do that for me. Little over seven years ago I received a set of tools from two modern monks who happened to cross my way. When used properly the techniques can be a hammer, screwdriver, saw and a flamethrower for the sick mind. The tools are called Ascension Attitudes and although they are based on uplifting emotions the hammering and sawing can feel painful at times. But it need not to be painful at all. Ascending here means rising above false beliefs. They are simple sentences in one’s mother tongue mixed with a bit of Sanskrit. I always believed that eventually these eternal flames will burn all that is not needed. What proves the techniques do what they are supposed to do, is that I have risen over this belief as well. I need to do the dirty work of cleaning my head of useless ideas by myself. However I am lucky I can use a golden shovel.

I am extremely glad that a couple of months ago in Greece near a village called Kapandriti I received an advanced Ascension technique number twenty two. It is called Distinction. Two modern Ishaya monks, an experienced Ascension teacher couple, gave the technique through their connection with the infinite to mine. Also when I received the technique a Greek god was present in a form of a dog called Dias (Zeus in modern Greek). The godlike dog was so excited about the fact I was about to receive the technique that he tried to bark it to me himself. After contemplative meditation the 22nd Ascension Attitude revealed to me that all there is for me to experience, is really a creation of my own immortal soul.

photo by Birgit Cornelia Schryvers

I’ve come to a point in my life where the useless suffering from limiting beliefs is either extremely painful or impossible to have. The thoughts are like: I’m not good enough, I am not where I should be, I will always fail, I’d be better off dead, they don’t love me, I’m too fat from the belly and too skinny from my arms etc. etc. The demons of my mind are simply either too absurd or too scary to face. What happens is I witness the nasty thought; there you are again you little troll (or a scary monster). They come out of an old habit and through larger experience of indescribable beauty I can choose to ignore them. And if it is the big scary monster I can choose to pick up a flamethrower and torch it away. Well actually there aren’t such things as monsters… Only angels and divine creatures in disguise to be recognized.

If I choose to torch the monster it turns to a pile of ashes and leaves a big mess. I am responsible of cleaning the house myself. Luckily I can pick up a broom or even a vacuum cleaner from the Ascension toolbox.

These are my choice of tools and might not be ever yours, dear reader. I’m writing this just as a note to self. I’ve used the tools over seven years every day and there have been numerous moments when the tools have felt useless. Not everyone chooses to practice… anything at all. And there truly is nothing wrong with that. I have risen above the belief that I need Ascension to survive. They are nice tools to have in your box but not necessary.

I wish from my Heart: Peace to all, in their bodies, in their worlds and in the universe they inhabit



Short documentary made in Kino Queer in May 2017

Keskustelu Kaislan Kanssa
A Conversation with Kaisla

watch in Vimeo

The password is Happi


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